The Poster
by Kitake Neru
Summary: Matsumoto's idea of a joke isn't everybody's idea of a joke.


The Poster

A fic without any particular objective… just something that came suddenly.

Disclaimer: Bleach doesn't belong to me.

* * *

Byakuya raised a slender eyebrow. Renji was laughing like a donkey in the main area of the office, and Byakuya was irritated because he had explicitly told his fukutaichou to keep quiet while he was around.

The idea of throwing Senbonzakura through the screen doors to shut the redhead up was appealing, but rather than destroy office property he decided to see what was going on.

As he neared the screen doors, he heard Renji laugh again. "My taichou won the Best Hair award! I thought Ukitake-taichou bagged that!"

Byakuya paused with one hand on the screen door, normally stoic face mirroring slight bafflement.

"That's not all, Renji. He was second runner up in the vanity department. He beat Yumichika, can you believe that?" Byakuya recognized that voice; it was the third division vice-captain, Kira Izuru. And what's this about vanity? He is certainly not vain!

"The narcissist lost? Who won?"

"Believe it or not, they voted for Zaraki-taichou."

"What!"

"But I guess they're right – I mean, how much time does he need to set up his hair every morning? He can't be wearing them to bed, can he?"

Byakuya's slight frown disappeared. That was an interesting thought. Curiouser and curiouser.

"This is crazy. Where did they post this?"

It was as if a bag of ice had dropped into his stomach. _Posted_!

"Knowing Matsumoto, she would have posted the results all over Seireitei. It's not like the poster's hard to miss – it's big and eye-catching. Hell, I'm surprised the captains haven't found out yet! I tell you, when they do she'll be flayed alive." Kira's voice had dropped to a whisper. "Or be out of the new captain's elections."

Byakuya will personally see to it that she gets no recommendations - ever. He determinedly pushed open the door and strode out without a single glance at the two aghast vice-captains.

But first, he'll have to hunt down every single one of those posters and slice them to shreds.

* * *

It took Hitsugaya Toushiro only one look at the posters to determine whose work it was. The originally sunny day suddenly became cloudy and freezing cold. It was perhaps lucky that Hitsugaya was an incredibly patient captain or else he would have torn Sereitei apart to find his mischievous fukutaichou.

As it was, he was murderously stomping on the poster he had ripped off the wall when Kuchiki Byakuya came into view, sword drawn. Judging from the noble's expression, Hitsugaya guessed he wasn't too pleased either. "What did you get?" Hitsugaya asked sourly, still stomping on the paper.

"I refuse to concur to such foolishness," Was Byakuya's frosty reply and Hitsugaya nodded bitterly. "I got the Shrimp award as well as the Lovesick Puppy. Like Hell!" He burst out savagely. It's good that Hinamori is still unconscious; he wouldn't know what to say if she asks him about it. He is not lovesick!

Byakuya was wise enough not to comment. Hitsugaya froze the paper and then destroyed it into fine dust with one last stomp. "I'm looking for her. She'll wish she never died."

* * *

Shinigami scattered left and right, running for their lives. From around the corner, a monstrous wave of reiatsu made Unohana stand up in worry. It isn't like Zaraki Kenpachi to come to the Fourth Division office looking for blood.

"Taichou…?" Kotetsu Isane looked worried. Unohana smiled gently. "It's alright, Isane. I will handle him."

But actually Unohana was very worried.

Presently Zaraki came into view, reiatsu rolling off so thickly it was visible in an eerie halo. She decided to meet him outside. Patients might faint from the sheer intensity of his reiatsu.

"Zaraki," She smiled in greeting but was met by a piece of paper thrust inches from her nose. "What's this?" Zaraki growled and Unohana gently took the paper from him. It was a poster reeling off names and…results? helpfully illustrated by cartoonish drawings and what was most interesting was a cartoon figure of Zaraki – with curlers in his hair.

What was most amusing was that Unohana knew it was true. Zaraki would come around once a month and Unohana would treat his hair – using so much gel a day to set it can cause some nasty damage.

"I'm really sorry Zaraki but I don't know anything about this," Unohana said sincerely. "I assure you, I told nobody."

"One of your fuckin' assistants must have seen us, Retsu," Zaraki said, his eyebrow twitching dangerously. "He's gonna pay."

"Zaraki, I assure you none of my men saw you," Retsu said patiently and took his hand. "Now calm down and I'll help you find the rest of these things."

Actually Unohana guessed Isane may have seen them once, but that's a fact best left unsaid.

* * *

Soi Fong was lost for words. She had never, ever been trained to handle this type of situation. She looked dumbly at the poster on the wall outside her office. "Frigid…Menopausing Cow?"

Cow?

Soi Fong, Captain of the Second Division, Leader of the Executive Militia had just been equated with farmyard bovine.

It was an insult beyond imagining. Her temper finally caught up to her. "I am certainly not!" She yelled at the poster.

Little good that did her. So she ripped the poster to invisible shreds just as Hitsugaya came down from the roof. One look at her told him that she was not in the best of moods (even in the best of moods Soi Fong was unapproachable) and most importantly, Matsumoto wasn't there.

Unfortunately for him, Soi Fong's reasoning didn't tally his. She pointed an accusing finger at him. "You! Be responsible for your adjutant's actions!"

Hitsugaya nearly fell off the railing. "Oh hell no friggin' way!"

Matsumoto didn't know it, but she was saved from certain death when Soi Fong decided to chase Hitsugaya all over Soul Society, Suzumebachi drawn.

* * *

Kurotsuchi Mayuri emerged from his lab, popping some chinks in his neck. He had been working days on a new substance, and what aggravated him most was that Nemu was nowhere to be seen. How was he supposed to do research when his test subject is missing!

"Nemu? Oi Nemu where are you, useless thing?" He called out for his 'daughter', but was met with silence. It wasn't like Nemu to disappear without warning. Mayuri twitched. When she gets back he'll punish her for being tardy.

His attention shifted to a piece of paper tacked on the message board. Correct that; it wasn't a piece, it was huge. Curious, he came nearer and read what was on it, thinking that Nemu at least left a message saying where she went.

Instead he got a rude shock.

"…Wee Willy…?" He read, confused. Wee…

…Willy…?

He swiftly looked down at his sword hanging innocently between his legs. Something clicked, and the entire twelfth division laboratory shook with the magnitude of his outraged howl.

* * *

Nemu fidgeted nervously. "Ano…"

Kiyone glanced at her. "Something wrong, Nemu?"

Nemu worriedly looked at her lap. "I thought I felt Mayuri-sama's reiatsu… he doesn't…seem…pleased…"

"Huh. I'd be downright surprised if he was pleased," Rangiku said gaily. "Anyway, it seems like a lot of the captains have read the poster. My taichou's reiatsu was frightening!"

"I'm sure Ken-chan will like my drawings!" Yachiru said delightedly. "Ne, can we leave yet?"

"Not until all this reiatsu dies down," Nanao said sagely. "Especially you, Matsumoto. I distinctly heard Soi Fong-taichou yelling your name. She above all, cannot take a joke."

"Which is why she won the PMS Cow," Rangiku said happily.

Everybody stiffened when a discrete knock was heard.

"It's me," Came the muffled voice. Rangiku breathed in relief and opened the door. "Isane! How are things?"

"You're in for it, Rangiku," Isane sighed and sat down. "Renji and Kira are trying to calm Hitsugaya-taichou down, Unohana-taichou managed to placate Zaraki-taichou somewhat but nobody dares come near within twenty feet of Byakuya-taichou and Soi Fong-taichou. The captains are taking this awfully badly."

"Don't worry, it'll blow over," Rangiku said gaily. "Sake?"

* * *

It was well after midnight when all of Seireitei finally settled into peacefulness, and also the time Rangiku and her consorts chose to come out of hiding. Looking left and right, she lifted the flagstone and hopped out. "Ah, fresh air."

Nemu climbed out after her, followed by Nanao and Yachiru.

"So that's where you've been hiding," A menacing voice made Rangiku freeze in her tracks – literally. Her feet were encased in ice!

She snapped up to see her taichou standing on a nearby roof, grinning maliciously with a vein visible on his temple. Yachiru squealed, trying to get loose but Hitsugaya's ice isn't meant to be broken with a few shakes.

"Rangiku-san, your practical joke would have been humorous… if it didn't involve me," Unohana had made an appearance from the shadows, benign smile in place. But right now, under the pale moonlight her smile just looks downright eerie. "Placating Zaraki-taichou took a lot of my time and I was forced to neglect my duties to make sure he doesn't maim you at first sight."

"Eh…heheheh…" Rangiku laughed weakly. "Um…joke?"

Hitsugaya grinned most unpleasantly. "Alright Matsumoto, I'll let you choose your poison. What will it be – Unohana-taichou, Zaraki-taichou or Soi Fong-taichou?"

All color drained from her face and tears filled her eyes. "What about you, taichou!"

"I'm feeling generous today, Matsumoto," Hitsugaya grinned, the vein still visible. "It's not like you're particularly useful around the office anyway."

Which is why the fourth division found Matsumoto Rangiku, fukutaichou of the tenth division following them down to clean the sewers that week. She decided that being smelly was certainly not as bad as being mutilated beyond recognition, which was what she most certainly believe would happen if she opted for the other two captains.

"Next time," She muttered as she scrubbed a slimy spot; "Next time he gets the Demonic Ice Shrimp."

A/N: Reviews please?


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